Diary of Some Solo Dude (vol. 1.11)
Travel Routines & Family Matters
Saturday December 11, 2021
You know when you’re traveling and go to sleep somewhere else, it feels like you’re living a completely different life when you wake up?
I got that today waking up at my moms house in CT. Of course, Saturday has a different vibe than the other days of the week, mostly because there’s no work BS interfering with the lives we try to live.
For my usual Saturdays back in SD, I get stuck in my same old stale ass morning sequence:
- Get out of bed
- Get hung up on a never-ending cleaning process like washing dishes
- Go for the same exact run on the same route
- Stare at Instagram for 30 mins
- Shower + get dressed
- Freak out because it’s already 2 pm and I haven’t done shit all day.
A major reason why I love traveling is because being in a new place breaks routine. It shakes things up a bit, and this is a good thing because it:
- Provides a new perspective on whats important vs. what’s not.
- Offers new opportunities to try new things I wouldn’t have considered at home.
- Exposes how much time I waste in existing at-home routines, and highlights what I need to switch up.
So this morning — it was nice not being immediately drawn to mopping the goddamn floor and figuring out which waste can be recycled. That, combined with the New Englandy weather featuring heavy fog and thunderstorms, I opted for coffee & writing to start the day. It was a refreshing and welcome mega hipster blog writing coffee shop kinda choice, and it was a fantastic way to start the weekend.
Late morning, I was able to sneak a quick workout in at Planet Fitness, courtesy of a free 24 hour guest pass they offer to non-members. This discovery is life changing for my situation staying at my moms because now I can interrupt the constant blur of eating cheesecake and drinking wine with some calorie burning.
And tonight, we were headed to my brothers house for dinner. That usually means beer, pasta, lots of cheese, and some sort of pie (tonight is apple crumble).
Family Matters
The newest addition to my family is my niece, Siena, who was just born 3 weeks ago on my birthday and only 30 minutes after my birth time 34 years ago (!!)
Is that impressive? I mean it’s not like we finished with the same exact time at the Boston Marathon, but I think it’s a cool thing to share with a family member. I hope it’ll make me her default favorite relative because being someones favorite anything is needed for me rn.
Anyway, receiving that news on my birthday was just another element to the magical weekend that it was. Even though it did lead to the following weeklong depression crash, and eventually to me starting this journal exercise — my proactive responses to avoid a massive downward spiral.
That’s just life as a single guy— the highs are incredibly high, and the lows are incredibly low. You can’t have one without the other. It’s part of the excitement, and part of the problem. It’s just about learning to manage expectations properly.
As much as I love seeing family, I have accepted that we’re not the same. I’ve clearly taken a different path in life. This isn’t a problem, actually it’s a good thing because it provides a welcome contrast — single guy life meets family life.
But it does force me into these times when I don’t speak.
It may sound weird, but it’s true. I just don’t…open my mouth for long periods of time. Or I opt to answer questions conservatively (“Things are good, yeah”) or ask questions and nod to the answers.
I do this instead of providing intimate, open views into my life and stories. And this is because I’m afraid of offending someone, or being scolded for being disrespectful, sarcastic, rude, opinionated, exclusive, etc. I’ve been called all of these before. It’s not uncommon, but it’s a significant reason why I’m so uncomfortable being myself.
It doesn’t help that I suck at dealing with that kind of criticism. So I choose to withdraw to avoid it as much as possible.
Here are 2 examples.
Single Guy Case Study #1: Cape Cod Family Vacation
A few months ago we had a family vacation at an Air Bnb house in Cape Cod.
- It was great to see my family, yes.
- I played with my nephew, and explored the area, yes.
- I spent time with my grandma and learned she dropped out of high school, hell yes.
But also, most of the conversation during the week (like 75% of the time) was about my 2 year old nephew.
Here is the problem:
There is something incredibly emasculating about being in a room of 8 grown adults that you formerly connected with for your entire life, now all standing in a circle around a toddler, looking down at him while giggling and speaking baby talk.
This really sucks.
The entire week went by and none of the adults could talk to each other about anything except the baby. No conversation with any depth whatsoever. What the hell has happened?
Enter child and suddenly nobody is an adult anymore. The communication seemed artificial. Like we’re strangers making small talk about the weather forecast because we have nothing in common with each other.
But I could visually see why everyone chooses to have kids — because they’re so damn bored of each other and their lives that they need something to rally around.
We literally live in a world. Massive opportunity, places to go, things to learn, people to meet (who already exist). Why is having children the default response to boredom for everyone except me?
Single Guy Case Study #2: Your Children ARE You
We were cleaning up the table at my brothers earlier tonight after dinner wrapped up and the kids were in bed. I never cook or host, and never really bring anything to the table (literally and figuratively). So I try to stick with what I’m good at — cleaning and filling the dishwasher.
“It’s so busy now,” my brother said, “there’s just no time to put yourself first.” Everyone else agreed whole heartedly, while I kept my mouth shut and said the following mantra on loop in my head:
“Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it.”
I didn’t say anything. But now that’s in the past and to play devil’s advocate — isn’t putting your children before yourself an oxymoron? I mean putting your children first is by definition, putting yourself first. It’s your family. Your kids are here because you wanted them here. Your family is a part of your life, and providing for your children only benefits your family, which benefits you.
Instead of having 2 kids, I’ve got 2 jobs. But I don’t talk about not having time for myself because my 2 jobs are so demanding. Wouldn’t the response be something like: “Bitch they are your jobs! You wanted them. You chose to apply and take them on. It’s just another part of your life, remember?!”
Of course I keep these things to myself now. Especially after the FB incident of 2020, when I posted about how I thought having a family is selfish — bringing new people into the world, adding to an existing population and scarcity problem that we all have to take on, just because you wanted your own family for yourself. It drew surprisingly mixed reactions — like a civil war between single people and family people.
But now I only write about them in my own journal entries because I don’t want to get blacklisted by my family or assassinated by the public.
I swear I don’t mean to be critical. I just want to be open about viewing these traditionally accepted situations and offer another perspective. It’s not me who gets intense about it, it’s the other side.
Again, it’s just an observation coming from someone who goes against the norm in terms of family life. Being single, you do pick up on things that challenge the norm. And if you’re never single, like most people, you just jump right into the field of acceptance and comfort offered by majority.
I feel like single life is beneficial for this reason, right?! Like wtf…
When I get home, my mother and I sit down to finally finish this damn puzzle that we started last Christmas. It took us a full calendar year to put it together.
In retrospect, the puzzle is kinda like my life over the last 12 months — trying aimlessly to put these pieces together to make a whole. Turning them around and pressing them into tiny crevices they clearly don’t fit into. Then giving them more chances. And then getting frustrated, but it’s really gratifying to get a piece that finally fits.
Isn’t that what life is about? Learning and figuring how to put the pieces together for yourself? Dealing with frustrations and disappointments, but then persevering through them, growing through them, and becoming someone who can make a difference for the world as a whole?
Until Tmw,
CuZZ
